THE COCONUT HEAD LOVER

Tobi epitomizes “introversion” in all contexts of explaining the word- he barely interacts with people, was often drained by social interactions, and was invisible on social media. He had a couple of school acquaintances, but his only real friend is Thelma, his only sibling. Unlike Tobi, Thelma is an extrovert- she is smart, social-savvy, and outspoken. She could admissibly qualify as a “Twitter influencer”. Amongst Nigerian Twitter folks, she is considered as one of the “real feminists”. Her tweets often surround the diverse struggles of women, violence against women, and sometimes lampooning some social norms that subjugate women. She also “catches cruise” from time to time. The flashpoint of her social media fame was her famous tweet on how Nigerian feminists are mostly toxic misandrists who have been heartbroken by demonic men. In her tweet, she demarcated feminists from misandrists, and advocated for the unification of the objectives and intention of feminists. Her tweet was controversial, so it brought a lot of traffic- she was praised- mostly by men, fiercely “dragged” and bashed by others. For all the onslaughts and praises that she received, her points were valid and she gained a cornucopia of followers.

On Tobi’s birthday, Thelma with the joint intervention of their parent miraculously convinced Tobi to take pictures. Well, he didn’t have much of a choice, he grudgingly appeared. That was his first picture since his valedictory service. Tobi like Thelma was very attractive- tall, light skinned and somewhat muscular. Anyway, the main story is that Thelma posted Tobi’s picture and tagged him. She amassed lots of engagements- over 10 thousand likes and flirty comments from ladies on her post. Ladies shooting shots left and right. Most significantly and to the amazement of everyone, her post bestowed her brother with his very first girlfriend. Here is the love story- while other ladies were shooting shots in Thelma’s comment section, a particular audacious Temi went straight to Tobi’s DM, complimented him, and initiated meaningful conversations that Tobi found thoroughly engaging. They had amazing chemistry and from there real affections grew- the rest is history. Stories like this are the bread and butter of our cultural narrative of a typical modern age love story: “I slid into her DM and now he’s the love of my life”. Their story was a story of “God when”.

You would be wondering who exactly the coconut head lover is. My apologies, neither Thelma’s “dragging story” nor “Tobi’s introversion” is particularly relevant to this story. I’m the Coconut head lover! Now, here is the actual story- Like Tobi and Temi’s love story, your learned boo also met this girl on social media and eventually, our story also ended as a social media love story of “God when”. But here are some differences- unlike their love story, I’m not an introvert, I have a lot of friends, I enjoy meeting and confabulating with people, I am visible on social media, and I DMed her not the other way round. Most fundamentally, our “God when” are contextually different.

Like Temi, I was roaming the streets of Instagram one fateful day, and somehow, I casually found myself on this lady’s page. She had just three pictures and a few followers- less than five hundred. From the background of one of her pictures, I could identify that we attend the same school and most likely the same faculty. I liked all her pictures and followed her. She followed back almost immediately, reciprocating the gesture of liking a few of my pictures. Like Temi, I was audacious enough to text her and grab her attention. Things went so well that within a week, our galleries were in a flood of each other’s pictures. Most significantly, we managed to move from Instagram to WhatsApp and from WhatsApp to Snapchat. Chatting with her felt euphoric, and I’m sure she felt the same way too-at least, for us to have constantly conversed for almost a month. Apart from being exceedingly gorgeous, she is exceptionally smart, magically charming, remarkably witty, effortlessly funny, compellingly magnetic and ineffably sweet. In that period I was the “shoulders to lay on”, and the ears to rant to. The gestures shared was healthily mutual. Particularly, it was so comfortable sharing my worries and happiness with her and I enjoyed how she effortlessly made me genuinely smile and happy.

From my description, you see why it is pardonable getting attached to her so prematurely. I think the feeling for her at this point was dismissible- in fact, I had others I was talking to and I never for once considered things ending in a romantic relationship. In the same vein, she condignly earned my soft spot. The first time we met physically in school transformed and solidified whatever feelings I had for her. The moment was short, but it radically influenced my feelings for her in a positive way. At that point, I desired to be more than just a friend to her- my whole existence yarned to experience more of her. She was so beautiful, and it was obvious that it was effortless. I felt disappointed that the pictures did not do justice to what this girl looked like in real life. Above all, she had this overshadowing and striking presence. She tried to dilute it with her meekness and shyness, but it was an unquenchable light- completely angelic.

Her shortness was outstanding- 4’11. I was almost double her vertical appearance. However, what was more outstanding about her was her striking appearance. As inconspicuous as she was vertically, from afar, she was easily identifiable as the most striking and most outstanding in appearance. When she came closer, she appeared incontestably as the most appealing sight I have encountered. She didn’t also look like a child- her body evidenced that she was a lady. Her face glows in radiance, and in her eyes, there is a beautiful contrast- the dark is immensely dark and the white is excessively white. Her eyelashes appear attractively and fittingly long and her eyebrows are craftily arched- as if it was drawn by a veteran architect. Everything about her appeared finely made, proportionate and delicate. She is a specimen of a creation! Truly, “God dey create”. She spoke calmly and softly, and I really wanted her to keep speaking. She speaks audibly and clearly- almost commanding and overtaking. She barely said words like ‘um’, ‘ehm’ or use any form of conversational mitigation- her sentences marched out magically, one after the other, polished, calculated, and crisp, like Chinese soldiers on a parade ground. She was very natural and unpretentious- she reasons, smiles, jokes, and jibes with equal ease. The experience was bitterly short but memorable.

After we met and spoke briefly that day, I couldn’t stop talking about her to my friend and my sister. Even after I had to be quiet, I couldn’t erase her beautiful sight from my memory. It was at that point I decided that I was going to positively make concerted efforts to make things work between us. I was determined to unleash my love and sweetness on her. The more we related, the more she concretized the affection I was developing for her. The growth became scarier and I really wanted to unleash my feelings to her almost immediately, but I had a policy that if I wasn’t sure that the other person felt the same way about me I won’t unleash. More than ever, I desperately wanted to know what this girl felt about me. All attempts to ingeniously unbridle her thoughts about me was futile. She gave only general comments- sweet things, but they weren’t what I really wanted to hear. I analyzed our relationship and things appeared that she liked me. At least she showed me some special courtesy, she showed concern about my issues, she sent messages first sometimes, and she severally complimented me that she enjoyed talking to me. “Plausibly, she likes me” — I told myself.

I made constant hints at my feelings but she wasn’t seeing it. Eventually, I gathered the courage to outright discuss it with her. I didn’t say I was in love with her- love is such a big word. I said, “I enjoyed our chemistry and what we had and I wanted her to be my babe”. I was actually in love with her, but I never admitted nor mentioned that I love her. That word felt like I was weak and I didn’t want to subjugate myself. Perhaps, if she had received it with some level of softness, maybe I would eventually have told her I love her. Her response was obfuscating- she filled my ears with amazing compliments about how much she would count herself undeservingly lucky to end up with someone like me. However, she asserted her valid feelings that she was not ready to be in a relationship and she didn’t want to risk things changing. Not even a child born this morning would take the preceding compliments to be that she truly liked me. With all my experience and practical intelligence, those comments gave me some hope that she truly could have liked me as she claimed. Rather than get discouraged, my curiosity was fed, I would stop at nothing to unravel what she felt for me.

Her heart was impenetrable, her thoughts were unreadable. She was none like any girl I have seen- she showed no vulnerability at all as though she never wants anything to do with love. Or she never wanted anything to do with loving me. Things changed, it felt like she became meaner and meaner by the day. It was miserable because it felt like in my ploy to know how she felt about me, I relied on her validation for my happiness. I put her on a pedestal where everything she did was perfect in my eyes and I was desperate for things to work out. Our conversations became awkward, her tone sounded like she didn’t give a fuck if I was hurt. As she was unleashing all shades of wickedness to discourage me, my coconut head was unearthing new chapters of niceness and sweetness. As kind as I was throughout- sending sweet messages, showing care and all, it meant absolutely nothing to her. Day in day out, I ignored the obvious signs of disinterest. I never gave up even when I knew the answer I was searching for from day one. I was relentless till I hit an emotional breakdown and mental stress. Nobody knew because God forbid that a girl would have such an effect on me.

You can now see how our “God when” is contextually different from Temi & Tobi’s love story. Nobody wants a situation where you are left to puzzle it out whether the person you love reciprocates their love or they are on the same page. Everyone wants the flow of Temi & Tobi’s love story- a love that the hearts are intertwined, not a love story that is a series of unacceptable compromises and fraught with dissatisfaction.

Without any modicum of regrets about expressing my feelings and being subtly rejected, I picked valuable lessons from my own experience. As soon as I perceive any wrong chemistry, I’m not trying. It doesn’t matter how much I’m willing to make things works. It doesn’t matter how appealing the lady looks physically. It doesn’t matter her level of intellect or status. My experience has opened my eyes to firmly identify what is proximately relevant and potentially unsustainable. My argument is not that love does not require effort, but efforts must match for anything sustainable to be achieved. True desire is unnegotiable for love to be pleasurable. Desperation to make things work at all cost will cost you your sanity. Importantly, I learnt that chemistry is not love. While there can be no real romance without chemistry, it is too regular to be the substratum of any sustainable love. Anything short of a combination of genuine desire and chemistry should be dispensed.

YOUR LEARNED BOO